How to Survive in the Desert

1) Don’t go there.

2) If forced to go by reasons you cannot deter, do not scream and flail about. You will need that energy to live.

3) Don’t look at the sun while trying to curse its existence. You’ll only blind yourself and sunburn your face. The sun is kind of a jerk in that sense.

4) Don’t let that dumb sun which gives life to our planet get the last laugh. Wear sunscreen, hide under a tree (although good luck finding one, as most have shriveled up and died. Thanks Sun.), stay in human domiciles, or carry an umbrella. You will look ridiculous at first, until the non-umbrella-owning-desert-dwellers see you in your portable shade circle and understand your genius.

5) Find a water source. Then guard it with your life. That public water fountain? Yours. Someone’s water bottle? Abscond with it immediately. The desert turns every creature into a survival machine and there’s no room for the weak.

6) Don’t trust the wildlife. Just as the Unrelenting Sun has turned man against his own, so have the plants and creatures that live in this hellhole. Just assume that all animals are poisonous and all plants will cut you. It’s like living with a bunch of tiny, hidden assassins. And the Sun. And you all live in a studio apartment twenty floors up with no elevator or air conditioning.

7) Assume that every surface is lava, not just the floor. If the Sun can put its greasy rays on it, then it is literally lava and will melt your skin. You may think that childhood has prepared you for this epic game, but you will be vastly disappointed. Childhood was a lie and everything you know is lava now. Prepare your mind to conquer and become one with the lava surfaces that surround you.

8) Leave the desert as soon as possible. Take your umbrella, in case you make it to one of the many lands that actually have precipitation. Make allies with the clouds of that land and take joy that the sun has lost a little bit of its tyrannical hold over you.

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